English Jokes

[ Jokes2 ]

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Just three women entered the race: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared to be the second place finisher.
Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

1. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
2. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
3. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
17. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
18. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
19. Your friends love you, anyway.

1970: Moving to Calif. because it's cool - 2000: Moving to Calif. because it's warm

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents - 2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor - 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1970: Seeds and stems - 2000: Roughage
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints - 2000: Popping joints
1970: Our President's struggle with Fidel - 2000: Our President's struggle with fidelity
1970: Killer weed - 2000: Weedkiller
1970: Hoping for a BMW - 2000: Hoping for a BM
1970: The Grateful Dead - 2000: Dr. Kevorkian
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint - 2000: Receiving a new hip joint
1970: Rolling Stones - 2000: Kidney Stones
1970: Being called into the principal's office - 2000: Calling the principal's office
1970: Screw the system - 2000: Upgrade the system
1970: Peace sign - 2000: Mercedes logo
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut - 2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1970: Taking acid - 2000: Taking antacid
1970: Passing the drivers test - 2000: Passing the vision test
1970: Whatever - 2000: Depends

Don't you wish when life is bad and things just don't compute, That all we really had to do was stop and hit reboot?
Things would all turn out ok, life could be so sweet If we had those special keys: Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
Your boss is mad, your bills not paid, your wife, well she's just mute Just stop and hit those wonderful keys that make it all reboot.
You'd like to have another job but you fear living in the street? You solve it all and start a new: Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "And what does the pig say?"
Child: "Oink, Oink."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in Her deepest voice replied, "Bud-wei-ser"

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least:
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
She is numb from her toes down.
The skin was moist and dry.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

You're probably a dog...
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor or
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

Kitchens
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
10. Housework done properly can kill you.
11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
12. My next house will have no kitchen –just vending machines.

Dormitory Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty dollars the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are there any questions?"
A male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
"From my nose," the drunk replied.

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
His mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his little voice. "The big sissy."

Sales Crap
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
- "Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
- "Not very likely," his wife said.
- "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out:

- "Here they are!"
- "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.
- "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors should have issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive- but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask "are you SURE?" before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no ! ! reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

A man decides to take the opportunity, while his wife is away, to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

Oh Baby!
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"
When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with deskwork.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13"...

A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested. When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.
"No," I confessed.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.
She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.
"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -- Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f---ing Nelson."
5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
6. Doc Goose
7. Simon says something incoherent
8. Hide and go pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners

Happy Birthday
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom!
He was 90!!

Who Reads What and Why? Part I
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country, and they did a far superior job of it, thank you veddy much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care, as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

Here's some refreshing news:
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Damn! It's good to be a man...
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a damn if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this
one's just too "yucky".
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and barbers don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
DAMN, IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN

Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn said.
Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn answered.
This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"
Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."
The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the efrigerator. As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."
When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message: "MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD- FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'"

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"
Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The woman left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
The man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

A teacher asks her students if they were Oakland Athletics fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The New York Yankees."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Yankee fans, so I'm a Yankee fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me an Athletics fan!"

All alone on a desert island

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What! I'm not going to do that!"

A common change?
A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.
The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."

Failed
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.
Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

1. Tech support calls YOU for help.
2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
6. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
7. A friend calls and says, "How are you? Your phones have been busy" -- for a year!
8. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza

11. You've gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.
12. You say "he, he, he, he" or "heh, heh, heh" instead of laughing.
13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for a while.
18. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP".
19. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.
20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
21. You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......
22. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
23. You think faster than the computer.
24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and **kisses**.
25. Being called a "newbie" is a major insult to you.
26. You're on the phone and say BRB.
27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
28. "Where did the time go?"
29. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of- life!

1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.

The "two-cow explanation" of what makes...
A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT:

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

The top ten signs the web is becoming too commercial and watered down.
10. Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On- Line.
9. 'MAKE MONEY FAST' posts protected by 1st amendment, declare internet lawyers Canter & Siegel.
8. Home shopping 'network'.
7. Netrek corporate sponsorships. Out: Orion, Pollux, Klingus. In: Planet Bud, Toyota Prime, Intelworld.
6. Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.
5. Dan Quayle appointed head of 'bandwidth expansion tiger team'.
4. Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.
3. Gameboy web browsers.
2. Tipper Gore cancelbot unleashed onto the net.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE:
1. Two words: 'Microsoft Network'.

An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.
A student asked, "What's the matter, Ms. Dalton?"
"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.
After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter...?"

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His concerned wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a consoling word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

"Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
They paused then started to laugh.

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In going to answer it, she tripped on her rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words. She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number."

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.
"Please dear, I need help." she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."
A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come and help you."
"The second hole??? When in the world is he coming???"
"I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt...."Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

A couple of boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the boy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, little man!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the boy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said.
"Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!"
"Why not" said the officer.
"Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same."
"But you did not stop" replied the officer, and the sign says STOP."
"But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist.
The officer then pulls out his baton and starts hitting the motorist's car.
"What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise.
"Do you want me to slow down or stop?" says the officer.

1. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

2. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

3. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. They are also very happy with their current phone service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

4. The College Special. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

5. If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

6. Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

7. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

A Ton Of Jokes About Men
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Today's funny picture shows us what every woman wants her bath toy to look like. Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles, and a little toy to play with!

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I have a wife and three children and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me... what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

How to Lie to Your Bathroom Scale
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner ... as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off ... to your advantage.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut; this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it goes away."
"But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so miserable."
The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the block three or four times."
"What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"
"We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.

Calling For Technical Support:
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring.... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...Ring...
Automated Answer:
Thank you for calling Technical Support.
All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.

A Dieter's Psalm
Strict is my diet. I must not want.
It maketh me to lie down at night hungry.
It leadeth me past the confectioners.
It trieth my willpower.
It leadeth me in the paths of alteration for my figure's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the aisles of the pastry department, I will buy no sweet rolls for they are fattening.
The cakes and the pies, they tempt me.
Before me is a table set with green beans and lettuce.
I filleth my stomach with liquids, My day's quota runneth over.
Surely calorie and weight charts will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the fear of scales forever.

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.
"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.
"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."
"I don't have a sweetheart, either."
"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

The Pregnancy Dictionary
Afterbirth -- when the hard part begins.
Cravings -- an excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.
Dilation -- one of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for.
Elastiphobia -- fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks."
First trimester -- the first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"
Maternity clothes -- what a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason she's fat.
Miracle -- 1 the birth of a baby. 2 The fact that you lived to tell about it.
Obstetrician -- the doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of death.
Pregnant pause -- the amount of time it takes for a nine- month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.
Prenatal -- when your life was still your own.
Pushing -- the final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening the size of a dime.
Second trimester -- the time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"
Third trimester -- the final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"

Dear Crabby:
I am a sailor in the United States Coast Guard. My parents live in the suburbs of Philadelphia and one of my Sisters, who lives in Bensonhurst is married to a transvestite. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non parole life sentence in Attica, for murder, the other currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on robbery charges. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel; however, her time there is limited, as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiancé Utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two Sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Detroit Lions fan? --Signed, Worried

Happy New Year!
Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I would taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store it was less a walk than a lumber.
I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "None for me, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as only I can
"You can't spend another winter disguised as a man!"
So -- away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie -- not even a lick.
I'll chew only on long celery sticks.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, life's no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.
The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."
The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."
The third just sits there quietly.
So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."
The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter, the only problem, was that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'.
He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese."
No, that won't work, he tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right?
Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."