Quick Wits & Funny thoughts

[Funny Thoughts]

§ I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler

§ Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
Johnny Carson

§ I'm not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde.

§ I had my car stolen. Anybody ever had a car stolen from them? That is the worst feeling in the world because what happens is, you refuse to accept that it's your car that is gone. I stood in the parking lot for two days; I was like, "Nah, they'll be back."
Bill Bellamy

§ I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was.

§ A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK: (Hallmark is the name of the companie that makes wishes cards)
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."

§ A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

§ A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!

§ A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

§ Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

§ "When I was young," the woman said, "I used to worry about where my taxes were going. Now, I worry about where they're coming from."

§ Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? Tim: Don't bite any.

§ I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

§ A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said, "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?"
she asked.

§ A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

§ little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.
When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear him say, "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

§ Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again? --Elayne Boosler
A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."

§ A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

§ A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"OLD" IS WHEN...
Getting a little "action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

§ "OLD" IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

§ A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

§ A response to a corny pick-up line.
Male: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.
Female: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

§ A response to a corny pick-up line.
Male: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Female: Yes, but would you STAY there?

§ A response to a corny pick-up line.
Male: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Female: Unfertilized.

§ A response to a corny pick-up line.
Male: Your body's like a temple.
Female: Sorry, there are no services today.

§ A response to a corny pick-up line.
Male: So, what do you do for a living?
Female: I'm a female impersonator.

§ "If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, Sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for breakfast?" asked the new husband.
"Toast and juice," she replied.

§ "OLD" IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

§ A woman broke up with me and sent me some pictures of her and her new boyfriend smooching. Solution??
I sent them to her father.

§ "OLD" IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love."
You answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

§ Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"
"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

§ This is Solid Advice.
If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79.
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.

§ "My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball. I told her she's way off base."

§ A sign outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

§ I've been taking martial arts classes and they are great. It teaches you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, and as smart as a dragon. Just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded some money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!

§ "OLD" IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

§ A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number..." replied the girl.

§ A response to a corny pick-up line.
Male: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Female: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

§ A response to a corny pick-up line.
Male: Your place or mine?
Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

§ Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailman could look for them while they delivered the mail?

§ ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

§ OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

§ A 3-year-old was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?", he asked.
"I don't know.", she replied, "I can't read."

§ Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

§ "You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."

§ HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

§ GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

§ A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.
"Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?" she asked the instructor."
P-U-T-T is correct," he replied." P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

§ "I just keek a touchdown." -Gary Yepremian
§ "[In pro football], if the Jaguars are known as 'Jags' and the Buccaneers as 'Bucs,' what should the Titans shorthand be?" - TMQ